Drinking fault finder

|A solution to all of your drinking troublesSymptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.Symptom: Drinking fails […]

The skier’s dictionary

|Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?” Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift […]

Miscellaneous terms

|Arbitrator ar’-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.Avoidable uh-voy’-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.Baloney buh-lo’-nee: Where some hemlines fall.Bernadette burn’-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.Burglarize bur’-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.Eclipse e-klips’: What an English barber does for a living.Eyedropper i’-drop-ur: A clumsy […]

Evaluating progress

|A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.Active socially: Drinks heavily.Alert to company developments: An office gossip.Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.Average: Not too bright.Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but […]

Evaluation comments

|Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one […]

Mother’s dictionary

|Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper […]

Woman’s translations

|The wife says: You wantThe wife means: You wantThe wife says: We needThe wife means: I wantThe wife says: It’s your decisionThe wife means: The correct decision should be obviousThe wife says: Do what you wantThe wife means: You’ll pay for this laterThe wife says: We need to talkThe wife means: I need to complainThe […]

A man’s translations

|These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…”IT’S A GUY THING”Translated:* “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.””CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”Translated:* “Why isn’t it already on […]

The guide for all men

|WOMEN S LANGUAGE TRANSLATEDYes = NoNo = YesMaybe = NoI m sorry. = You ll be sorry.We need… = I wantIt s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want… = You ll pay for this later. We need to talk… = I need to complain Sure…go ahead […]

Guide for all women

|A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: I’M HUNGRY.I’m hungry. I’M SLEEPY.I’m sleepy. I’M TIRED.I’m tired. I’VE GOTTA GO.Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHAT’S WRONG?I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this. WHAT’S WRONG?What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going […]